I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
