he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
