Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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