I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
