So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
