ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
