How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
