I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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