my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
