I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
