this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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