This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
