I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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