Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
