i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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