He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
