My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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