You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
