y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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