We won't sleep together?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
