You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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