Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
