New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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