You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
