Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
