i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
