life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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