i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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