so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
