Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
