Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
