there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
