I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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