If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I puked a lego.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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