Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
