Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
