I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
