I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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