Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
