That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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