Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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