The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
