i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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