Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
