Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
