Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
