I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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