and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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