Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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