Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
