Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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