Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
