She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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