Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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