Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
