I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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