I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
