yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
